New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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