I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
