I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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