I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
