I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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