my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
