worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
