i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
