I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
