please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
