i think i have herpe
just one?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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