im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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