Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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