Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
