I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
