Banned from zoo.
Again?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
