This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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