This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
