He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
