Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
