well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
