I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
