On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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