at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
