On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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