Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
