Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
