you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
