If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
