I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My feet surprised me
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