Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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