I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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