I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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