I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
