Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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