I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
