her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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