I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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