I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
