Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
