You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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