Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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