I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just puked most of my soul out..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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