Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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