I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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