I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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