last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
did i just pee glitter
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
