I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
