you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
