I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
