last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
