I just pynch a tree in the face
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
