Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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