My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
