So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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