plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
