Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
