Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
