If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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