I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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