Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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