i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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