I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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