just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
