he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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