It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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