Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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